Seeing Eye 2 Eye

We don't always see eye to eye. Most of us go through life wondering if we are aliens because no one else seems to view the world with the same set of lenses that we do. When we finally discover that there is indeed someone else who agrees, it becomes one of the most happy and, in fact, intimate moments that we will experience.

There is something to be said for having your "tribe". People who understand you and who acknowledge you for who you are turn out to be the greatest treasures in our lives. The fact that we can do the same for them in return makes us treasures in their lives as well. But how do we get there?

In order to even discover who these other members of our tribe are, we have to begin with the assumption of trust. For those of us who have been burned repeatedly, that trust is a difficult thing to start with. I have struggled with that for most of my life and decided that I need to trust myself and my instincts. If my intuition is telling me not to trust a person, then I distance quickly. But if it is telling me that this person is worthy of my trust, that is where I begin. We have been taught through our culture and experiences that we can't trust our intuitive processes, but we actually can. So when I get the green light with someone, I will trust them. Now, they do have to live up to that trust, and, with a few minor exceptions, they usually do. It is amazing to me that people will naturally want to live up to our trust levels. At the same time, if we don't trust them they will also live up to that. I really don't think that this has to do with us "creating our experiential reality" with those folks. I think that they simply turn out to be who we "knew" they would because of our ability to listen to our intuition.Second chances? Depending on the circumstances, I believe in them. I know I would certainly want a second chance if I somehow screwed up and lost someone's trust. But after that, there are no third chances.

I have the pleasure of having very good friends in 3 fabulous women with whom I used to work. Our work situations have all gone in different directions, but we still get together once a month for dinner and a visit. I feel blessed to have these people in my life. We laugh so hard we cry and allow ourselves to share on much deeper levels than is often experienced in friendships. We professionally support each other and personally care very deeply for each other. I consider these women to be part of my soul family. I am incredibly grateful for their presence in my life and look forward to years of dinners and birthday parties and such.

We see eye to eye in that we have a much more holistic view of life and the world. But we don't have to agree on absolutely everything either. Sometimes we can have completely different views on things, but also appreciate the sharing of different perspectives. I think that is what helps us all to grow. Being open to new thoughts and ideas helps to create a more encompassing understanding, even if it is something that is just not for us or challenges our paradigms. Besides, it keeps the conversations highly entertaining!

Blessed Be
Trent
http://www.youtube.com/trentdeerhorn
www.deerhornshamanic.com

Father Hunger

It is not only women that end up being used by men. Men do as well. This tends to stem from a syndrome known as "Father Hunger". I have had to struggle with this through my life as well. How this works is that if a boy does not have a strong and reliable father figure (not necessarily the biological father himself) in his life at a very early age, then he unconsciously hungers for the attention of the father. Most women will understand this very well, having dated and married their own fathers. But there are very interesting twists involved in when a man feels father hunger.

For example, in my particular case, I found myself craving male friendships through my early years, teens and even into my upper twenties. My father was mostly absent, and when he was around, he tended to be raging. So with the rage, I would distance myself as much as humanly possible. This then created more absence. So then I would do almost anything to establish and maintain friendships with other guys. This put me into a precarious and powerless position. My "friends" would use me, then they would neglect me, then they would abandon me altogether and often betray my trust when it came to interacting with other guys.

Once I figured out that I was experiencing father hunger, I realized that I don't want friends who never call me to go out and do stuff. I also did not want friends who thought it was completely okay to not communicate for 2 years and then expect the friendship to just pick up where it left off. I decided to no longer be their "boy bitch" and get some self-respect.

When I made that decision, I found myself no longer taking crap from the male friends in my life. I also found that I quickly had no male friends. This no longer scared me. I knew that I was looking for a "father" and decided that life dealt me the father I had and that there was no replacing that. So then what I was looking for was solid and reliable male friends who honored me and enjoyed being with me and who would actually pick up the F@#$ing telephone and call me for a "date" to go out and do stuff together. Once I narrowed my focus, I was able to draw into my circle of friends the men who have character and conscience. I absolutely love these men. I know, that is weird to read from a man, and weirder to hear when I say those words. But it is very true. There are so many forms of love, and the real love that one man can feel for his male friend cannot be replaced with the frilly romantic stuff we tend to equate with love. It is deep and loyal and impenetrable by anything and anyone who would want to destroy it. We are comrades and I know that if push came to shove, they would stand up for me and fight if necessary, just as I would for them. I am honored to have them in my life.

Blessed Be

Trent

www.deerhornshamanic.com

Commitment

Have you ever had one of those people in your life who says things like,"We should get together for a visit/coffee/tea" etc. and then never follows through? I received an email to that effect not long ago, responded with my available times and, as per usual, have not heard back. When this happened I realized that I have somehow accumulated 3 people like that into my life in the last couple of years. This surprises me because I usually don't tolerate this sort of behavior. But they kind of snuck in.

So now what? Well, as I have had to do before to remove klingons from my robes, I will give each of them one chance out of many that they have had to step up or get out. I don't do this without actually telling them that I am doing it. That would just be one big game. But when I tell them that I am noticing a pattern in behavior and that I don't like it and won't put up with it and then make plans with them, they had better show up. Yes, emergencies can happen. But when we planned it for a month in advance and then "friends from out of town have dropped in and I need to be with them tonight" happens, then I know that my time and energy is just not important enough to let the friends from out of town know that you are busy and that they can give advance notice next time.

I think that some people just don't know how to say "no" to others. If they did, then they would be much more committed to following through with set plans and less likely to whimsically change them because some one breezes through town for an evening. But then one wonders what the relationship actually is with the ones who breeze through town? Perhaps there is something there that is actually much more enticing than what I have to offer? If so, just say so and we are good. Don't let me stand in the way of a good lay! But do be honest with me and with yourself as to why you are doing what you are doing. And then don't blow me off the next time we have a coffee date.

So that is the shaman's rant for today. Unfortunately, I may have actually done similar stuff to friends and not even known it because they were too timid to call me on it. I hope not. I do like to deal with things up front. That way we let go of all the drama!

Blessed Be

Trent

www.deerhornshamanic.com