Bending Over Backwards

It is important to remain flexible. This helps us to deal with all of life's transitions, of which there is usually an abundance. If we are unable to be flexible, we end up becoming broken. Sometimes, however, it is important to know that we need not bend over backwards in order to please someone else's requirements.

I have often had to let people know that their personal needs are not my personal emergency. They don't get that the first time, usually. But over time they realize that if there is something that definitely requires my attention, I am Johnny on the Spot! If it is something that they themselves can definitely take care of, then far be it from me to take that opportunity away from them. After all, how else are they going to learn to respond to their own needs if someone else is willing to fulfill them before they have a chance to do so themselves?

I would often say to my daughters that I would not tie their shoes for them when I knew that they knew how to. I don't do things for people that they can do for themselves. That would just enable their co-dependence. Instead, I will celebrate every time they accomplish something for themselves. So I would praise my daughters every time they tied their own shoes. I would do this even if they at first had asked me to do it. That way they got the message that they are capable, even in times when they at first think that they are not.

We could all use a cheerleader now and then.

Blessed Be

Trent
www.deerhornshamanic.com

Who's Gonna Catch Ya?

I was driving in the car today, having just picked up groceries, and a song came on the radio. I don't know who's song it was or the title, but the words in the song went something like, "Who's gonna catch ya? I'm willing to betcha, it will be me." I am sure we have that song on a CD somewhere in the car, but for now I will just say I don't know who sings it etc. I found it fascinating that that was the question in the song. Here is why.

We are so often told by those who love us that they will always be there for us. But life isn't always so perfect that when we need someone they are actually there. We get covert messages from friends and family that we actually can't make it in the world on our own because "No man is an island." I don't think that the island thing had to do with security or independence. I think that it had to do with understanding our connection with everything else and that we are not able to exist without having some effect on everything and everyone around us. And nothing and no one around us can have absolutely no effect on us. I remember hearing my mother's friend say to her that, "I am not going to let him hurt me." The thing is, he already had hurt her. The fact that she was trying not to show it only meant that she was disconnecting from her emotions. We are going to get hurt sometimes. That is a natural fact. How we deal with it is completely up to the individual. The thing is that we always have a choice. Not everyone gets it that there is choice involved.

We can choose to be codependent and think that we are always going to need someone to catch us if we fall, or we can choose to stand on our own two feet and take off running! Just remember that when you decide to take off running, it is much more fun when you include with it a "Wheeeeeeee!"

Blessed Be

Trent

www.deerhornshamanic.com

Independence Day

Did you know that there is a difference between dependence and co-dependence and independence and interdependence? Hmmmm. That must depend upon a lot of stuff! Well, it does.

To be dependent upon someone is to be in a situation where you are unable to depend upon yourself. As an example, when one is convalescing one is sometimes dependent upon another to drive them to appointments or get them a cup of tea etc. Babies are dependent upon the adults around them to feed and change them and a myriad of other things as well.

Co-dependence happens when one is thinking he or she is dependent upon another, when actually being fully capable of doing what needs to be done on their own. Emotional co-dependence kills most relationships over time because one or both parties feels that the other person is responsible in some way for who they are and how they feel and what they do or don't do and so on. This throws a big wrench into someone's life. How can a person even confidently answer the phone that is ringing if that person is co-dependent upon someone else to take responsibility for it?

Independence is when one holds self-confidence within and is a capable individual who works well in th world and is able to make one's own decisions with ease. There is no panic attack involved in the decision making process and there is no looking back and wondering if the decision made back then was the right one after all.

No one can, however, exist inside a bubble. Some folks get to thinking that if they are independent then this means that they can not in any way show enough weakness to actually have to rely upon another for anything. They see that as dependent or co-dependent. Really what we are talking about here is degrees and ranges of expectations and behaviors. So we also need to be able to incorporate inter-dependence into our lives. That way it becomes more of a "team effort" with varying tasks. If we have an appointment that is going overtime, we are able to call on the other team member to pick up the kids from their soccer practice, and other assorted things.

Today I opened a couple of new bank accounts at a new bank and found that, for the first time in almost 20 years, nothing was linked to anyone other than myself. That was an amazing feeling when it comes to money matters! Talk about independence on paper!

Blessed Be

Trent
www.deerhornshamanic.com