Thursday, September 16, 2010
I've Got Wood!
I know...it sounds kinda sexual. It was meant to. Indeed, my wood pile is intact and, should we have a major power outage, we have enough that we can actually use our fire bowl in the garage if need be. I feel a wee bit prepared, but not as much as I would if we had a wood burning fireplace in the house. I didn't want to have to chop wood all winter long, so we accepted the gas fire place for now.
This, however, is not why I am writing. I had an interesting conversation with my niece last night and we were talking about what it was like for me to grow up with my mother going through menopause. It was hell. Actually, it was HELL. It also affected my romantic relationships with women later in my life. With all the verbal abuse and sometimes physical things that were done during her very trying time, I grew up with a distinct sense that I was dirt just because I was male. I was not worthy of affection, devotion or love. This set me up for some pretty strange romantic relationships wherein I was abandoned emotionally, or physically or both. It took only about 40 years for me to get out of that cycle. I actually used to get embarrassed by the fact that I would become sexually aroused with my woman. I know...too much information! But really, it has to be out there so people can learn, so I am putting it out there.
I would feel like there was shame and guilt because I found a woman desirable and had a physical response. I couldn't thoroughly enjoy oral sex because I was terrified that she might want to be aggressive and bite it off or something. When I look at how twisted up inside the experience made me, it amazes me that I have children at all! Now, after much time and excellent healing, I can proudly say, "I've got wood!" and not be ashamed or embarrassed by that. It now is erotic and sensual and sacred. This I celebrate! That is spelled with an "r" in the middle, you might have noticed!