Respect and the Art of Forgiveness

This is a concept that has been popping up in my life a lot of late. I have had a number of relationships in which this has been an issue. What I have learned by trial and error is that I need to be conscious of my actions and my words always. Even then, there will be some who will take offense at something I have said or done when the intent was never to harm in any way. Sometimes people perceive things in a way that is unique to their own sensitivities, and thus paint others actions and words with a broad brush that makes everything "offensive". One need only be the only male in a contemporary feminism class to experience that trip first hand!

So how can we be respectful and yet maintain our own personal flavor or style? The only thing I can say is that what has worked for me is mindfulness. When we are mindful of those around us we naturally don't want to offend or to hurt them. So we can then communicate more clearly and delicately while maintaining our own sense of self, our own sense of humor, our own sense of flare. After a while, when we get to know one another even better, we can relax a little and show other aspects of ourselves through our communication styles.

And let's face it, the more intimate a relationship is, the more colorful the communication will get over time. The main thing is to remember that we care about each other. When we accidentally hurt someone's feelings we need to acknowledge it, apologize, and find a way to make amends that will be meaningful to the person who was hurt. If, after all that, the person is still unwilling to forgive us, then it is their problem, not ours. At the same time, I have had the experience of having someone (more than one person actually) do and say some very hurtful things, but then when they apologize there is always a "but" included, which is followed by a barrage of excuses and accusations. This is not an apology. It does not come from the heart, and it is not worth the time of day. Those who have done this habitually quickly find themselves outside of my circle of trust. That is my nice way of saying I kick them out of my life. So we need to be very conscious of how we apologize and make sure we follow through with the amends part.

Now here I have to also mention that there is a particular "philosophy" (shall we say) about forgiveness that forces people to feel guilty if they don't immediately forgive the offender, whether or not the offender has actually owned up to the ill doing, apologized for it, or made amends. I think we all know of which philosophy I write. All I can say in response to that is....what the heck would then motivate the offender to improve his or her behavior if there are no consequences whatsoever???? Turning the other cheek does not motivate change in them. It only sets us up to be kicked in the teeth from yet another angle.

When we make someone walk through the three "A's" of forgiveness (acknowledgement, apology and amends) we help them to grow emotionally into better people. We actually do them a favor by not doing them the wrong favor of forgiving them without the three A's being fulfilled. This will then also be a demonstration of deep respect and caring for the person who has offended, because we are not letting them off the hook. What we are saying to them is that they are important enough to us that we are willing to walk through this struggle with them. And the amends does not have to be elaborate in nature. It can simply be the promise kept that this sort of behavior will not happen again. It can be as easy as "my kitchen floor needs washing....you do that for me today and we are squared away." Whatever it is that would be something meaningful in some way to the offendee is the best way. If we, as the offender, don't know what that would be, then ask. Even if they need to think about it, they will at least know that we care enough to want to do the work. And once the work is done, no grudges can be held and we can go on with the relationship free and clear of all the clutter, but enriched by the experience.

Blessed Be

Trent